My 2008 Experience

January: This is the month that tends to set the tone for the rest of the year. It felt like it was going to be a great one seeing as how my love interest (at the moment) and I had gotten back together on New Year's Eve after a very short stint apart. Things went well, for a little while. But then it came to be decided that we would both be better of without each other. While in the end mutual, it was I who proposed the idea originally. It is my observation that this indeed was a good choice for the both of us, though it would take a while for me to come to grips with this.

Also, after having been dismissed from the UofA the previous year, it was during this month that I had tried to get reinstated. Due to an error on my part, I would not be told whether or not I would be allowed to re-enroll for a few more months.

February: I'll start by saying now that I have forgotten many details about the past year. This was done mostly subconsciously but on purpose nonetheless as I spent a great deal of time dealing with the events that took place early on in the year. That being said, this month is one that I hardly remember anything about. Valentine's day had never felt quite as vile as on this year. It was definitely a gloomy month spent mostly in the dark. Metaphorically of course.

March: March would have been the month were everything would have changed had I just tried a little harder. I finally convinced myself to quit Best Buy. I was too comfortable there and way too unsatisfied (or so I thought anyway). I figured that without Best Buy to fall back on, I would finally force myself to seek something different. This was true for a while. But lack of motivation, emotional issues (that I could have very easily set aside but instead chose to use as an excuse) and just a little mix of rejection was all it took for this month (and many to follow) to be just another month.

April: Not really a good month either. My parents have been together for a long time. However, I can't honestly say they will stay together till their life's end. It's hard to see your parents fall out of love. It tends to take away so much from you. Throughout this month things got really rough between them. I had honestly prepared myself for them to tell me that they were separating. It was that bad. They seem to have smoothed things out since. But my statement about their potential separation still stands. Witnessing the problems between them while still dealing with my own problems stationed in love took a huge toll on me. So much so, that one day I broke down into tears right in front of them. It takes a lot for me to lose control emotionally.

May: I mentioned above that I had made an error in dealing with the UofA. I mixed up a deadline date and ended up being late by 3 days. This meant that I would have to wait another 4 months till I heard the results of my plea. Having to wait felt like punishment for missing the first deadline (which could have been prevented if I had only DOUBLE checked the date. Yep, I only checked it once *face palm*) It was punishment. It kept creeping up on me. Most notably in my sleep. Amongst all the other crap that I had keeping me up at night, this was in there as well. But May finally came and that meant the wait would soon be over. It was so nerve wracking waiting for that letter to come in. One stupid little letter that would tell me if I would be allowed back in or not. Then it finally arrived. No one was home when I opened it. I was very scared to read it. I took my time with it once I started doing so. I got to the bottom and that was it. My plea had been rejected. Even though I knew the chances of this happening were very high, I still had hope. But all that had been crushed with this letter. I usually try and be a positive person. I try hard to look for the good side of things, people, and situations. But I just felt like it was all piling up on me. Sitting here now looking back at it, I know it wasn't all that bad. But in the state that I was in, I couldn't help but just be completely and utterly crushed by this one letter. It felt like everything I was trying was just blowing up in my face. So then came the final nail in the coffin. "Why even bother trying anymore?"

June: I was still unemployed by this point and still trying to find a job. I had had a few interviews over the last few months but nothing ended up with me and a new place of employment. After everything that happened and letting it myself be affected the way I did, it wouldn't be much longer before I just threw in the towel on everything.

July: In dealing with my breakup, I had finally started moving on. Not so much because I was working through it (like I actually ended up doing later on) but because I just didn't care anymore. By now, I had become pretty apathetic about everything and was on the verge of depression. Luckily I never quite got there though.

August: This was when things did started changing for me. On the inside anyways. Everything around me was still pretty much the same. I spent a lot of time by myself throughout the year. However the whole I was a stranger to myself. And in dealing with strangers I tend to be pretty closed off. I had shut down emotionally. My mind had quit thinking as well. I was a passerby in my own life. I didn't want to be beside myself anymore. I hated feeling like this though. I hated being the way I was. I had to change it. I had to look inside once more. When I finally came back in, I did so with a new perspective. I was finally able to deal with things that I had just put off. I had finally taken my first step forward after having pressed back so many times.

September: This month was really just a continuation of August. Nothing major took place here that I remember.

October: Ah October. What a great month. While August and September where all about an internal change, the last months of the year (starting with this one) where all about external changes. Mostly in dealing with the relationships of my friends and especially my family. A cousin of mine who lived in Arizona made his big move to Arkansas this month. He's probably the closest thing that I have to a big brother (and I actually have a big brother... sort of). We've shared a lot of good times together and it seems like that will only continue. A very, very good time that I've shared with him was when we went to go see Coheed and Cambria in Chicago in October. You can read about it in one my previous entries so I won't say much else about it. In dealing with family, my parents have always been rather closed off. My dad especially. We all get along great with all my relatives (with an exception or two of course) but we've just never been close to them (with the exception of my moms younger sister and her family). Now that I'm older, I'm finally able to connect with them directly and not through my parents like when I was younger. Which is great because I'm finally able to develop strong connections with family members whom I hardly grew up around.

November: This month was most memorable because it was my first time to vote in a US Presidential election. It felt great to exercise my power to be heard (as well as you can with our system anyway). And how great is it that my first vote ever casted was for Senator (now President Elect and very, very soon to be President) Barack Obama? Personally this month was just a continuation of the previous month. Oh, Oh, Oh, OH! And of course, how can I not mention that I got to see Coldplay live with my very great friend (and I don't say that just because I know you read this :-P) Roger and the always wonderful Ever (tee hee I made a little funny) in Oklahoma City. They were absolutely amazing! Coldplay that is. Roger and Ever were pretty great themselves as well ;-). It was all made even better by the fact that I have my very own keepsake of that night ;-) I saw two (technically six) great concerts within two weeks of each other. Definitely the highlight of the year.

December: This month was all about growing closer with my family. How very funny that it happened because of a hatred towards the same individual (also a family member but I won't talk about it here). I have an older half-sister who is 11 years older than me. Her and I never grew up in the same house. That along with the age difference placed a huge gap between us. But in growing older, age differences seem to be more and more negligible. We've managed to diminish the gap between us immensely. Especially over the last month. It's taken 20 years but I'm finally starting to get to know family and by extension, myself.

So that was my year. It wasn't a great one. I'd probably say its the worst year I've had so far. But like with so many things it turned out that way because of how I dealt with it all. I could have and should have handled myself a lot better. But that's hopefully a lesson learned (along with many others) that I will take with me going into 2009 and the rest of my time to follow.

As Coherent As One Can Be At 4am

This is obviously a public blog and I know that I have an audience, albeit a very tiny one. I still however, tend to write mostly for myself and to myself. Though, that's not to say that this isn't addressed to you as well...

A friend got me thinking about past entries I've made both here and on other blogs. Every once in a while you can find something of mine that I've posted on the Internet and it will be something silly and pointless. Like a fill in the blanks or a survey, which seem to be quite popular on facebook*** nowadays. That is however, a rare find. When I get around to posting, I try to make it something worthwhile and meaningful. I try to show those that read my entries (including myself) a new little piece of me. It may not always be a pretty piece but my life isn't always a happy tale. Certainly, there are things that I keep private, but I put the essence of my being into all these entries nonetheless.

I believe that it can be hard to figure out who you are when you only ever see yourself from one perspective. I find it very useful to take a step back and see things in a new light; with a new frame of mind. Taking my thoughts and placing them outside of myself, whether in the form of words, music or art, helps me to do that. And although I may have been unaware of it then, that has been the purpose of so many of my previous posts.

*** I wonder how long it will take (if ever) before facebook goes the way of so many other sites like xanga, myspace, friendster, etc. Unlike the others though, I really enjoy facebook. Hmm...

IRS: Internal Racketeering Service

I received a letter in the mail today. It states that I owe the IRS money. Approximately 129 dollars. It's not much but when you don't have any money it seems like a fortune. Lucky me, I have till the 3rd of January. Maybe I'll scrounge up enough money this Christmas to be able to donate it to a (very) needy cause; The Government.

An Addition To The Family

My cousin is getting married in two weeks. Happy occasion right? Well... yes and no. I'm happy for him and his fiancee but I don't approve of the wedding. Sadly, I'm not alone on this matter. My cousin has gone to great lengths to try and marry his fiancee. Its been a tough thing for him to go through, but he's kept his head high and made it possible. Unfortunately, I don't think she's worth all the trouble he's gone through. I'd never dare say anything to him because he truly believes shes the one. He's happy with her and she's... grateful I suppose (although you'd never know it). They seem to be in love and even though there is friction between her and the rest of the family all I can do is support him in his decision because it's just that; his decision.

More To Come

I'm going to try and start blogging more of my ideas. Not very many people read this (I only know of one) and I don't have any great ideas or thoughts to record. Writing, however helps me to work things out. Its a great release for me. Whether I directly release my pent up tension or through some tangent it always makes me feel better. Also, writing consistently is like exercise for my brain and my brain is very much out of shape. When I used to write my blogs on Xanga and when I constantly jotted down my thoughts on paper, it all came naturally to me. Words just flowed out of me. I didn't have to think very hard to write (what I thought to be) creative, insightful entries. That's honestly why I haven't used this all that much. I feel my writing and thought formation has been very lackluster and hopefully this will help.

Time In A Bottle

If I ever had the chance to go back in time, I'd only ever want to do it as a spectator. I can't say that I've had the best life thus far but I still wouldn't change anything. It would be so weird to experience my life from a third person perspective though. On second thought, I don't think I'd go back at all. Most of it would be too painful to watch. Even the happy times.

Time has always fascinated and baffled me. Always moving forward at what seems to be a faster and faster pace everyday; braking for no one. Ultimately, I find myself scared of it because there's no way to control it. It'd be nice to be able to savor the moments of my life as they happened rather than having to so quickly let go and repeat the process. I suppose my memories will have to suffice.

Neverender And The Election

Neverender was just amazing!!! It is the definite highlight of my year thus far! Chicago was a fun place to visit. We (my cousin Jesus and his wife Claudia) stayed there for five days. We couldn't afford a hotel so we stayed in my car. It wasn't all that bad. I'd do it again if I had to, but only for Coheed. All four concerts were amazing! Getting to listen to them perform all of their songs was such a phenomenal experience. Claudio, Travis, Mic and Chris are all incredible musicians. They put on one hell of a show. Most of the fans that I met there were all great people and I had a pretty good time sharing that special time with them. I can't wait till the next time I get to see them live. Also, the DVD will be an awesome way to relieve that glorious experience.

Now the election. I went out and voted this morning. I'm a supporter of Obama and thus that's who I voted for, but I urge all those that have registered to go out and vote no matter who you are voting for. Today is a very historical day and this election will be a definite mile stone in the history of America no matter the outcome. So get out there and vote!

Neverender

Today is National Coheed Day as declared by Absolute Punk and I very much agree with them. For those of you who don't know, Coheed and Cambria has decided to hold a performance over four nights where they will play each one of their four albums a night, in order, in its entirety. This event has been named Neverender and it kicks off its first night tonight in New York. Their are three other Neverender shows that will take place in Chicago, Los Angeles and London. I am fortunate enough to be going to the Chicago show that takes place from the 28 - 31 of October. If any other band were to be doing this, I don't think it would mean as much. Coheed and Cambria have been telling a story through their music that has spanned four albums (and will finish off with a fifth prequel album that should be released sometime late next year) with their latest album being the ending to their epic tale. Many fans have spent the bands existence (five years now) trying to decipher and figure out what the lyrics mean, how the songs themselves lend to the story, scrapping what little hints we can get from the band members themselves all just to try and experience the tale of Coheed and Cambria and their only surviving son Claudio and along the way we have forged bonds with these songs stronger than with anything else in our music collection. So this event means more to most Coheed fans (myself included) than those who aren't familiar with them can imagine.

Pop The Bubble

Do people seriously have nothing better to do? How about informing yourself politically so you can involve yourself in the election that could potentially decide the fate of whether this country makes a come back or continues further down the drain pipe? Or maybe try to figure out something that you can do to help with the Global Warming situation like changing your light-bulbs in your home or recycling. Or you can go give money, clothing or food to those in need both in this country and around the rest of the world as well, because in case you didn’t know, there is a world outside the bubble you live in. Some of us are in a period of growth in which we will come to find our true selves. Others are stuck in a stagnant stage forever losing who they are. 

Informercials

Every once in a while, I'll catch myself watching an infomercial late at night. I find them pretty entertaining. Tonight I came to the conclusion though that they are one of societies many evils. Whether it be a 2 minute commercial or a 30 minute infomercial, they all have one purpose: To make you buy their product. 

I've worked retail before and I know the process that is needed to sell a product to someone. It always left a bad taste in my mouth when I had to do it. Selling and helping someone buy something are two very different actions. Helping someone buy involves helping the customer find the right product that they are looking for. Selling involves you convincing someone that they need the product you are pitching to them. This process can be accomplished many different ways, most of which involve lying and manipulation. 

Infomercials are filled with nothing but lies and manipulation. I pity those that get convinced into buying a product from TV. Yes, they should know better and they probably do. Some are just naive, but most want to be optimistic about the situation and want to believe that company X is really being honest and genuine and just trying to sell them a useful product instead of trying to take their money. Its sad, because it's those exact kind of people that infomercials go after. They prey after the hopeful. I've always wondered what kind of person it takes to be a salesman in an infomercial. My guess is that its one who disregards basic human morals...

My Beacon Of Hope

In all honesty, I am an optimistic person. I try to see the good in people. I give the benefit of the doubt in situations. When meeting new people, I try and see them in a positive light. The world, however wants to turn me into a cynic and its trying very hard. I won't lose my optimism though. I won't lose my hope. The darkness of this world will not shroud me, for God is my light and with Him I shall always find my way. 

Long Time Coming

Its been a long while since I've had anything like this. I used to have a Xanga way back in the day when they used to be in fashion, but that has long since been forgotten about. Its still there though and its fun to go through. I've always enjoyed blogs because they allow me to get some stuff out that I would normally have no outlet for. I don't tend to get incredibly personal, but I do put a piece of myself in everything that I write. So hopefully as you read this you'll learn a little something about me as I am learning a little something about myself as well.