The Science of Sleep

Ever since I can remember I have been a night owl. It's typical for people my age to stay up late more often than not. But this has been a reoccurring theme for me for several years now. My brother and I shared a bedroom for a while when we were much younger. My parents had to separate us because I would stay up late and keep him up. He's always been able to fall asleep when he's wanted/needed to. I've always envied that. It's a rare night when I fall asleep soon after I lay down. Even rarer is the one where I sleep from start to finish without waking in between. Tonight is a typical night. The sleepiness comes and goes. I may see the light of dawn once again before I finally drift away.

Days of Future Passed

I've been thinking about my past a lot. Which has oddly made me think about my future. I've never been one to plan ahead. Usually, if it won't affect me in a week's time I won't really bother with it. Lately though, I feel this urge to look forward and figure out what it is that I am actually going to do in the following years to come. I'm more focused on where I will end up rather than how I'll get there. I should probably find "Point B" before I start planning my route. I have a decent idea of what I want to do career wise but I don't know where I want to do it. I was born in California and lived there for many years and never really thought I would live anywhere else. But nearly five years ago that changed. And after moving here because of my family I really didn't want to go through that whole process again. But that was different. I was only 16 and didn't have much of a choice in deciding whether we moved or not. Ultimately, it was upon my parents to decide. But now that I'm older I get to decide what is right for me. And the more I think about it, the less I feel my future lies here...

The Death of Me

I've never experienced so many opposing feelings for one person before. Especially for someone that I've never even met face-to-face. Women tend to drive me nuts. And it becomes more and more true with each new woman that comes into my life. Like so many men before me, they shall be my downfall.

Old Habits Die Hard

This is my first semester back in school in 2 years. This second attempt is working out a lot better. But there are still some issues I have to overcome. The biggest thing I've been struggling with is procrastination. I find it really hard sometimes to make myself do work and put in effort. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the past, but sometimes I just can't find the drive to do things. I've had a self-discipline problem for many years now. It probably started in middle school when I got my first C and oddly didn't feel like shit afterwards. I was mostly a straight A student before that and had always been praised for my good work ethic. But something changed. Apathy set in. I didn't feel like I had to always give it my all and that I was OK with being "average." Maybe it was just because I was growing up that it happened but I lost a very important part of myself. Without it I was sure to fail. And I did. Now I'm in the process of rebuilding myself. It's not an easy task. It's hard to change yourself. Especially when the tools you need for change are the very things that you lack. It's a struggle but I've seen improvement. I hate that I have to battle with myself but I have to tear my old self down before I can build anew.

I've never been very good at expressing myself. I have very few exits for my thoughts and feelings. Writing was one of the few ways that I could get things out. But I find it harder to write what's going on inside my head. I don't know what's preventing me from getting my thoughts out but its frustrating.

Through Tinted Eyes

Change is happening all around us. Sadly, for me, I'm changing into someone that I don't like. Most people that have known me for a while would say that I'm a laid back kind of guy who listens well and is all around nice. But some of the more recent people I've met would say that at first I'm a pretty cool person but then as time progressed I became moody, introverted, that I complain a lot and that I can sometimes be unpleasant to talk to. That is the change that has occurred in me. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I've experienced quite a few things over the last three years or so that have molded me this way. Up until this year, I was going through a really rough period. So many things were wearing me down and chipping away at my hope and happiness. I thought I came out of it a better person, but it looks like I was just fooling myself. I find myself so much more frustrated than I used to. I become upset with people a lot more easily. I still say that it takes a lot to annoy and that used to be true but its no longer that way. I used to be pretty good at seeing the glass as half full and finding the light in the dark. But that's very hard for me to do. All I see now is the constant darkness of people and the destruction that they are bringing to their lives and the lives of those around them. It really angers me. I find myself more angry than happy these days. I'm angry at how selfish we are. I'm angry at the lack of respect we have for each other. I'm angry that we let our pride get in the way. I'm angry at the growing apathy. I'm just angry. I truly feel like giving up somedays. I don't see ourselves coming together to fix this mess that we've created. There's still people out there that give me hope. The few individuals that go out of there way to lend a helping hand. The one that's try to inspire us to take action. The ones that lead by good examples. But it seems like those people are becoming harder to find. Of course looking at the world through anger tinted glasses doesn't help. I find it so hard to care because caring is so painful when so many don't. But I still haven't thrown in the towel. There's still a part of me that has hope. I just pray that part can breakthrough the piling anger and frustration before I walk away for good.

Oh and if you somehow end up here, happy birthday.

I am certain that I am not

Well look at what I found. I have not forgotten about you. I just have not had much to say. Which is a lie because so much has changed. Yet, I cannot find the words to say it all. I've just recently learned that its hard not to be yourself. To change ones self is to move the very earth beneath your feet. Its not an easy task, but it can be accomplished. It won't happen over night. Progress will be slow. But you cannot give up. A drop of water can carve miles into solid rock with time.

Out of Body experience

I had a moment where I was no longer here. I was surrounded by something other than the bubble that exists around me. It felt great. It's nice to get away every once in a while. Even if only for a brief while.

The answers will question still

Will knowing the answer be worse than asking the question? Ignorance is bliss they say. But where's the bliss?

On the subject of friends

C.S. Lewis

"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few 'friends'. But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceship which those who make it would describe as 'friendships', show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philía which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia on which Cicero wrote a book."

This Time Around

I'm very excited about 2009. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because today is January 9, 2009. The date isn't significant. It's how I got here that matters. As soon as last year started I could just feel every single day slipping away faster and faster. There wasn't any time for me to enjoy anything. In a way I'm glad it happened like that. for me 2008 wasn't really a year to savor. 9 days into this new year though and the difference is astonishing. To me it feels like it should already be February. But its not. If only you could know how great that feels.

To no one. To everyone.

I want you to know me. I want you to find out who I am. You have to come find me first though. I can’t promise I’ll be what you’ve been looking for. I can’t tell you that I’ll change your life. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. I want to get to know you too. But you have to lead me to you. You have to give me permission to come look for you. Maybe we’ll have no impact on each other. But maybe we’ll leave the biggest dent on one another.